In a scene straight out of a bargain basement action movie, a security guard at Sainsbury’s in Grimsby found himself drenched in whisky and staring down the barrel of a broken bottle wielded by none other than the local legend of petty thievery, David Barton-Nichols.
It appears that Barton-Nichols, with the grace and finesse of a drunken bull in a china shop, decided to forego the pleasantries of purchasing and opted for the more adventurous route of liberating two bottles of whisky worth a modest £80. Naturally, when confronted by the ever-vigilant security guard, Barton-Nichols decided to escalate the situation, turning it into a veritable cocktail of violence and mayhem.
Appearing before the esteemed judges of Grimsby Crown Court, Barton-Nichols, a man of no fixed address but with a penchant for sticky fingers, graciously admitted to the charges of affray and two counts of shoplifting, all of which unfolded on the dramatic stage of November 14 and 15 of the previous year.
His defense barrister, Richard Butters, a man who apparently possesses an unshakable faith in the power of imprisonment to work miracles, proudly proclaimed that his client’s brief stint behind bars had miraculously transformed him into a model citizen. “It’s like a Christmas miracle, Your Honor,” one can almost imagine him saying, with a straight face, no less.
Now, let’s not forget Barton-Nichols’ impressive résumé, boasting a whopping 20 convictions for 50 offenses, a feat that would make any aspiring criminal green with envy. But fear not, dear reader, for Mr. Butters assures us that his client is an entirely different man now, thanks to his enlightening encounter with the penal system. One can almost hear the angels weeping tears of joy.
As if that weren’t enough drama for one courtroom, the prosecution barrister, John Batchelor, regaled the court with tales of Barton-Nichols’ exploits at the local Matalan, where he apparently fancied himself a scarf aficionado, snatching up 11 of them worth a princely sum of £98. Move over, Burberry, there’s a new fashion icon in town.
But wait, there’s more! On the following day, our intrepid anti-hero decided to pay a visit to Sainsbury’s, where he attempted to add a dash of excitement to his shopping experience by pilfering yet more booze. Alas, his plans were foiled by the brave security guard, who, after engaging in a spirited tussle with Barton-Nichols, emerged victorious with one bottle of whisky in hand. However, Barton-Nichols, never one to go down without a fight (or at least a stumble), made a dramatic exit by tripping over his own two feet and shattering the second bottle in a spectacle that would have made even the most seasoned slapstick comedian proud.
But the real pièce de résistance came when Barton-Nichols, drenched in the golden nectar of his failed heist, decided to channel his inner action movie villain and threaten the security guard with the jagged remains of the broken bottle. It’s like something out of a Tarantino film, except with less style and more cheap booze.
In the end, the security guard managed to wrestle the broken bottle away from our hapless protagonist, undoubtedly leaving him to ponder the errors of his ways as he contemplates his next daring escapade. And thus, another chapter in the illustrious saga of Barton-Nichols draws to a close, leaving us all to wonder what thrilling adventures await him in the future.
